I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Less talking, more tequila
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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