I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
now i know why i became what i already was.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
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I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
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Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
whose parrot is this?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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