If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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