I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
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Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
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I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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