I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
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I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
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I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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