But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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