Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
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grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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