Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
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Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
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Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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