before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
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Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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