I can text with my tongue
no, he came in my armpit
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
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I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
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I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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