the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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