who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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