first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
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I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
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She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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