Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
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The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
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Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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