Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize