My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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