I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
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The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
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IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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