just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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