Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
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just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
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If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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