my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
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just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
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You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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