God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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