I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
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He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
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Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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