just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize