I faked an abortion last night.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
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What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
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Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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