when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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