According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
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My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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