I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
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It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize