I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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