After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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