So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
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Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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