if you like me you must not know who I am
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
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she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
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And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize