you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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