My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
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he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
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Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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