I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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