i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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