I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i may or may not be watching the land before time
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize