sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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