Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
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So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
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I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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