if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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