awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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