and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
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I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
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also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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