I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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