I didn't shave. On purpose
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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