so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
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I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
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When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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