Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize