I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you traded sex for a burrito?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
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When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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