Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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