An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
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She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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