If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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