I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
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It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
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So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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